I don’t know many things that happily married couples enjoy more than a great time in the sheets. And it’s not about how often you “get it on” or for how long the “get it on” sessions last. But it’s about the intimacy that you experience with one another while you’re “getting it on”. And if you’ve been wondering or trying to figure out how to have better sex with your spouse then I have a secret method I want to share with you. It’s called the “Heart Method” and it’s actually an acronym that you put into practice before you get in the sheets.

I don’t believe the myth that women are the only ones that want to feel an emotional connection while they’re being intimate with their spouse. I believe men and women both have emotional needs and that both desire to feel an emotional connection with their spouse while “getting it on.” Now how this comes about will differ for everyone, but this “Heart Method” is a great way to stimulate each other emotionally and physically well before it’s time to “get it on”. And when you engage in the “Heart Method” often and regularly, then you’re more likely to experience a more intimate and fulfilling time in the sheets.

So, let me explain what each of the letters means the “H-E-A-R-T Method” and give you an example of how to engage in it.  

Heart check-ins

I firmly believe in heart check-ins because they invite you to go far beyond the surface and to get real and honest with your spouse. The heart check-in says that I want to know more about what’s going on with you than what meets the surface, because I care about you—all of you. A simple way to do a heart check-in is to specifically ask your spouse, “How’s your heart today?” or “What’s on your heart?” These simple questions can lead to the most meaningful conversations, if you’re willing to share and if you’re willing to ask more questions.

Encouragement & compliments

The world is hard and sometimes it feels like so many things are going wrong all at once. That’s why home should be a place that feels safe and healthy. It’s not to say it needs to be perfect, but it should feel safe and comforting. A way to make it safe and healthy is to share far more encouragement than criticism. When your spouse is working on something hard or perhaps has just experienced a failure, one the best ways to support them is to encourage them. Be specific and lay it on thick. For example, if your spouse is trying to learn how to speak a new language then be sure to encourage him by telling him how proud you are of him and go even further by helping him create flashcards to practice. Encouragement will connect you more intimately with each other Compliments can work the same way to connect the both of you. Did your spouse just get a new haircut? Tell him you love it. Did your spouse just start using a new cologne? Be sure to notice and compliment him. Something I do regularly is tell my husband that he’s either looking like whole snack (which means he’s looking pretty good) or that he’s looking like a calendar month. You know those calendars of men posing for each month? The other day I told he was looking like July and he started smiling from ear to ear. Everyone loves a good compliment.


Acknowledgment, encouragement and compliments all work together. The subtle difference in acknowledgement is that it can be about you and it can also be about your spouse. It’s when you’re intentionally noticing something and drawing attention to it. This can be something you did or something your spouse did. And this works for acknowledging things that feel great like a new dress or having cleaned out the fridge and for things that are difficult and hurtful like losing your temper. It’s just as important to notice the positive and good things as it is to acknowledge and address the difficult things. This is essential because you’re tending to the heart which brings you closer together.  It’s difficult to connect deeply and intimately with your spouse when either of your hearts is hurting about something that hasn’t been acknowledged or addressed. So acknowledge and address things that are great and wonderful as well as things that are hard and painful. Both work to care for the heart. Acknowledging also helps you to notice one another more. The longer you’re married the more likely you’re to take one another for granted. And you can combat this by readily acknowledging each other. Because when you acknowledge your spouse regularly, it makes them feel seen and noticed by you. And we all want to be seen, especially by our spouse.


I read an alarming statistic about the number of people who have read a book after high school or college and it’s not very attractive. We spend a lot of time reading post and captions but not enough reading content with solid substance. But you can change that. You can grab a book that you both enjoy and take turns reading it aloud to one another. Then discuss the book. This time together brings great connection and expands your perspectives on different topics. It’s a great way to grow personally and as a couple. It’s a win-win.

Talk about it

I know that talking dirty isn’t for everyone, so that’s not what I’m suggesting here. Instead what I’m suggesting is that you talk about your time in the sheets. Tell one another what you liked and that you want more of it. Compliment one another for something that you did that made you feel loved and special and spend time exploring ways you can better please one another. If you’re not talking about what’s going on in the sheets then chances are someone has some unmet needs. But this can be avoided when you regularly talk about what you like and also what you don’t like.

So, what do you think of the “H-E-A-R-T Method”. Which of the letters are you going to starting engaging in right away?


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