I am a healthy eating, daily visitor of the gym, kind of girl. But I love an occasional hamburger and fries. But I can’t just have any ole’ hamburger and fries. If I’m going to splurge on this kind of indulgence, then it has lots of standards to meet. The bun has to be just right, it must have plenty of crisp and tasty veggies (especially pickles), and the burger has to be hot and tasty. And the fries, they must be HOT. I will send some fries back if they’re not hot.
And I’m sure you can relate. You probably have some yummy indulgences that must be just right in order for you to enjoy them. You have your expectations and you have your needs when it comes to enjoying a great bite. Don’t even get me started on cupcakes. But the truth is, we like things the way we like them and that’s quite alright. You and I have our food needs…but we have more needs than food. Especially in a marriage.
We have individual needs and then we have needs within our marriage. But what happens when those needs aren’t being met? I’m going to share four common needs that I believe are often not met in a marriage and what to do about it.
This issue can be quite challenging depending on the reason the needs aren’t being met. So, let’s tackle it from two sides. Let’s say your needs aren’t being met because your partner just isn’t that great in bed. Maybe he’s lacking in skills and although you’ve tried everything, things are not improving. In this case, you may want to consider working with an expert in this area to help you figure out a solution. There’s no sense in sacrificing your sexual needs out of fear of asking for help. But let’s say that’s not the case. Maybe your needs aren’t being met because you’re not communicating them clearly. The solution here is to be more specific about what you want. For example, if you’d like for your husband to please you in a particular way, then tell him and give him feedback while he does it so he knows what you want. I’m a big believer in giving feedback, because he’s not going to know if I don’t tell him. Despite the reason your sexual needs aren’t being met, if you want this area addressed in your marriage then you’re going to need to talk about and get help too.
Are you a big spender and your hubby is more of the frugal type? Or do you have very different ideas of living comfortably? Are you not seeing eye to eye on your financial goals because one isn’t earning enough? There can be a number of reasons why your financial needs aren’t being met. But here’s a couple suggestions. One, make a plan—together. Schedule a time to sit down and go over your financial future together. What do you want? What does he want? Now, how are you going to get there. Again, this is where bringing in the experts can be helpful. Schedule a meeting with a few different financial advisers who may be able to help you plan and reach your goals. Another suggestion is to figure out why you have the financial needs that you have. Make a list of the things you feel you need and then ask yourself why. But you have to be honest here. After some exploration you may find that your financial needs aren’t suiting you because they’re rooted in fear, pride or overcompensation. So instead, make goals that are more in alignment with who you truly are, not who you think you need you need to be.
Are you a talker and your husband is more of the quiet type? Are you a lover of quiet alone time at night and your hubby would prefer to chat about the day? Are you one to share your deep and most personal feelings while your husband is more reserved and likes to keep things inside? Are you longing for better conversation that goes beyond talk about work and the kids or things around the house? Your communication needs may be plenty, but they are still important. One of the biggest reasons this is a challenge is because people aren’t quite sure what they need or how to communicate that need clearly. So, the first step in addressing this is to get clear about your communication needs and what it is missing in your marriage. Do you need your husband to ask you about your day? Do you want your husband to be more inquisitive about your feelings when you tell him about something that’s bothering you? You will have to be clear and specific about your communication needs. Think about a time you didn’t get what you wanted, write down what you wanted instead. Also think about a time you got what you wanted, write down what it was and why it was helpful for you. Even if it was your spouse who communicated with you the way you needed them to, that’s okay because it can still serve as a model. For example, a good friend of mine taught me the, “how’s your heart” question when she asked it to me one day. And now my husband asks me this too, because I shared it with him. I think sometimes we expect our husbands to just know what we need and how we need it, even if we’ve told them. But they don’t always remember or understand, and neither do we. And you don’t have to figure this one out on your own. That’s why working with me as your coach can be such a great support to your marriage, because communication is a huge area that we focus on in coaching.
This is such a tricky one. When you’re married and you’re growing spiritually, you want to be growing together. But what happens when one is more invested in their spiritual growth than the other? What do you do when you’re looking for your spouse to challenge you in your spiritual growth, but they’re not quite there? You certainly don’t want to judge or pressure one another to measure up to one another’s spiritual expectations. But you do want to meet one another’s needs. So, the first step here is to get clear on what those needs are for one another and then decide if you’re ready or prepared to meet them. It’s important to be honest about all of this because you’ll only set yourself and your spouse up for frustration and disappointment. The next thing is to pray consistently about this and ask God to help you find in Him what you’re searching for in your spouse. Prayer can change your heart towards your situation, which can improve the connection between you and your spouse.
Do you feel like there are other needs that your spouse isn’t meeting for you? Maybe it’s time to set up a time to have a complimentary consultation to discuss the possibility of working with me as your relationship coach. Working with me as your coach can make all the difference in building a happier and healthier marriage for you and your spouse. So, don’t be shy, simply reach out today and let’s schedule a time to chat.